This week:
- I have seen the greatest Christmas movie of all time.
- The Sexiest Man Alive broke people’s brains.
- I have also seen a terrible Christmas movie.
- An iconic Real Housewives moment.
- The Wicked press tour may actually never end.
Jim Halpert Doesn’t Deserve This Hate!
One of America’s greatest traditions is freaking the f--- out over People magazine’s choice for Sexiest Man Alive. At a moment of such turmoil and alarming change in our country, it’s reassuring that, at the very least, we’re keeping that tradition alive.
John Krasinski was this year’s choice, and, by the reaction, you’d think People put a pimple from Alex Jones’ left buttcheek on its cover. Is Krasinski the Absolute Sexiest Man to Exist Right Now? No, not in a year when stars like Glen Powell, Jonathan Bailey, Pedro Pascal, or Manny Jacinto are right there. Is he, like, unsexy? Not at all! He’s a very attractive man. Yet that’s not the point of the outrage.
The truth is Sexiest Man Alive is a carefully orchestrated negotiation between magazine executives and Hollywood publicists and agents. It’s not a pure designation of “he’s so fine!” earned in an idealist vacuum of horny people. Celebrities are offered the title and turn it down, for various reasons. Others are pushed hard for it for strategic reasons: They have something to promote, it could boost their career at an important juncture, etc. The magazine may have its own motives, like wanting more access to the star in the future or wanting to cater to a certain subscriber base.
So it’s funny to get worked up over it—yet it’s also fun to get worked up over it. While I maintain Krasinski’s extreme handsomeness and crush-worthiness, here are some of the funniest reactions I saw to his crowning:
The Most Important Part of Red One
Red One is a baffling movie. It’s a Christmas action comedy starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and Chris Evans, the former part of Santa’s security detail and the latter a bounty hunter who team together to rescue Claus after he’s been kidnapped.
There are relentless action set pieces and fight scenes, all painted with garish CGI, which, honestly, for a silly Christmas movie would be fine. The script is riddled with schmaltzy clichés about the so-called “reason for the season,” which, again, for a silly Christmas movie would be fine.
It’s also jam-packed with so many curse words and references to sex and women’s bodies that it’s rated PG-13, sending it straight to the Naughty List: Who is the audience for this movie? It’s the kind of holiday comedy families would get a kick out of, or at least tolerate, but with a hard pivot towards a bro-y older audience whose stomachs would turn at its corny moral lessons about the holidays.
Well it turns out the audience is me, and for one reason: Bonnie Hunt is in it. She plays Mrs. Claus (codename: Partridge), and is a warm cup of cocoa every time she appears. Among gay millennials’ obsession with character actresses from the ’90s—it’s a thing; don’t ask me why—Hunt ranks near the top. That’s why it’s been frustrating that she’s appeared so rarely on screen over the past decade, instead focusing largely on voice acting and producing.
If a chaotically bad Christmas starring The Rock is what brings her back to acting, then we will celebrate it: Everyone go see Red One, which we are now rebranding as an epic Bonnie Hunt star vehicle.
A Reality TV Moment for the Ages
I know not everyone cares about the Real Housewives, but there is something beautiful that happens when a cast member does something that exactly aligns with what everyone’s stereotypical conceptions—haters and fans alike—are of what a Housewife is like.
That happened on this week’s The Real Housewives of Salt Lake City when cast member Lisa Barlow had a meltdown bordering on a panic attack when she discovered that, for the 47-minute flight from Palm Springs to Salt Lake City, she had been booked in coach.
“I’m in 17C!” she shrieked, as if learning that she was being sent to jail for a crime she didn’t commit. She hadn’t flown coach since she was a teenager, she moaned, flitting between all the other Housewives, assuming they’d commiserate with this inhumane fate that’s befallen her. (They are also flying coach, and couldn’t care less.)
Because the internet is the worst, some Housewives fans have criticized Barlow for being so out of touch and offensively elitist. Excuse me?! Let this woman’s delusion shine bright like a diamond; this is exactly the kind of TV we need Real Housewives to be. The episode ends before anyone boards the plane. Thoughts and prayers for Lisa Barlow. I hope you survived.
The Endless Yellow Brick Road Continues
We are still a week from Wicked hitting theaters, after what feels like the longest and most aggressive press tour and marketing campaign in cinema history. (Sidenote: I’ve seen it! Many thoughts to come.)
As more and more pictures flood my timeline from splashy premieres across the globe this week, more interview segments go viral, and more marketing stunts are announced, I can’t help but think just how much freakin’ money are they spending on all of this?!?!
What to watch this week:
- All We Imagine as Light: One of the most touching movies of the year. (Now in theaters)
- The Piano Lesson: August Wilson’s play is now a major Oscar contender that’s now on Netflix. (Now on Netflix)
- The Sex Lives of College Girls: This is a sharply funny, binge-worthy show that has fallen under the radar. Catch up and watch the new season. (Thurs. on Max)
What to skip this week:
- Red One: Lump of coal. Naughty list. You get the drift. (Now in theaters)
- Silo: An unforgivable crime has been committed: squandering Rebecca Ferguson. (Now on Apple TV+)
